3 Radical “Takeaways” from Loving Men

Every now and again, I peruse my old journals to see what wisdom I’ve forgotten.

I found some.

At various points of my life, I’ve been the Head Mistress of the “F*ck F*ckbois Coalition.” My attachment to my pain prevented me from assuming a more powerful stance and recognizing the awesomely-overlooked wealth of wisdom men embodied – despite imperfect execution.

It wasn’t until I had several intimate relationships with women that I learned to appreciate what men have to offer.

And boy, did I learn!


I’ve always known that women offer me something unique that men can’t, but I did not always see the irreplacable value men bring to coupling.

My wiring is such that I connect with hearts more than anatomy. I allow the flow of life to do it’s do without too much thought to labels and such. In this space, I’ve learned that love connections are not comparable. They each impart something unique and valuable to my life.

In the time where I swore off flagpoles (men) in exchange for flags (women), I came to startling revelations about men’s value in my life. Here are the top 3 takeaways I’ve gleaned from coupling with men:


1. Take Your Time

It wasn’t until I was whisked into full-fledged committed relationships at breakneck speed with women that I truly understood many men’s hesitance to commit themselves. It takes time to know whether I truly want to be all in with someone, and now I allow myself that time.

2. Take Care of You FIRST

Men are great at prioritizing their wants and needs. They are able to capitalize on this when our desperation and willingness to take what we can get surpasses our commitment to fulfilling our own wants and needs. I am learning, finally, to fill my cup first, as my mentor, Iyanla Vanzant says.

3. Take a Breather

Sometimes all that is needed is space and silence. Simply put. Men have taught me that everything need not be actively “worked out.” My mother always said, “Silence can say more than words.” And I am seeing there is nothing truer. My need to express where I stand is giving way to simply standing.

Share your thoughts and comments below. 

Why a Baby Won’t Keep Your Lover

As I meet various birth clients, I sometimes discern that a woman has conceived in hopes of changing her partner’s mind about her or being in the relationship.

The partner sits, often despondently, tossed between feelings of resentment, confusion, guilt, overwhelm, disgust, excitement, longing and other emotions, while the pregnant mother chatters nervously on behalf of them both.

In these cases, despite the sex of her partner, the outcome is usually the same.

Even if the partner loves the child and loves parenting, this does not mean they will “fall” in love with you.


Today was the first day a woman asked me, “Why not?”

She meant: Why doesn’t the fact I’m having our baby make a difference? Why won’t it make my partner love me again.

It’s simple:

Grown folks don’t like to be MADE to do anything and We can’t make anyone love us; we must allow it.

Allowing requires space and relinquishing control — two unpopular and difficult disciplines in a society that breeds insecurity.


Essentially, we are all going to do what we want to do, even if not immediately.

We are who we are, and we each want to be accepted and respected as such. Yes? We enjoy the freedom to choose. We enjoy freedom. We enjoy knowing that we are doing something because it’s OUR choice. We enjoy saying, “Yes, I want to do this” or “No, I don’t want to do this.”

And every choice has a consequence. This is the power you have. If you want something you aren’t receiving, choose YOUR action; don’t try to change someone else’s.

I’ve been on both sides of the tug-of-war, and here’s what I’ve gathered:

The best relationships are answers to open invitations, not coercion under strict demands.  

Partnership Mantra: I want my partner to do what s/he truly wants to do.

 

 

What Looks Like Crazy…

I once dated a man who temporarily lost his thoughts: standing over me, pointing his finger in my face and saying a bunch of words I could no longer hear.

I asked him to take a seat and stop pointing: THREE TIMES.

He didn’t.

 

I stood up, gathered my things and walked outside.

He followed.

I got in my car.

He stood BEHIND my car declaring he “wasn’t finished talking yet.”

I turned on the car, and counted to THREE.

Thank God he had quick reflexes.


Isn’t it ironic how men can stab people 1000 times, be serial killers and cannibals, start unnecessary wars, kill women for deciding to keep children they helped co-create, and YET, remain unburdened with the label of “crazy”? There’s always a “reason” for a man’s ill behavior, even if it’s as simple as “boys will be boys.” Hmm.

Men have the phrase, “Work hard, play hard.” For women it should be, “It’s a thin line between love and hate.”

Kehlani says it perfectly in her song, “CRZY”:

Everything I do, I do it with a passion. If I gotta be a b*tch, I’ma be a bad one!”

And such is life.

Look at the Earth. We trash Her. We take from Her … and still she sustains us, mercifully … miraculously almost. But every once in a while, she’ll flip the switch just to remind us.

Women are the same way.


I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard a man say, “Women are crazy!”

I admit: YES – every now and then, we behave in ways (unprovoked by males) that leave your heads spinning. With the orchestra of hormones, full moons and societal f*ckery amiss, we have plenty reason.

But let’s re-define just what’s (usually) meant when men call a woman “crazy”…

CRAZY (adj.):

1.) Behaving in such a way that the other party has no choice BUT to realize the truth of the Law of Cause and Effect.

2.) Possessing all the qualities of “a wake-up call.”

Does Newton’s Third Law ring a bell? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?

Fellas: it’s physics.

It’s literally a NATURAL LAW.


 

Lucky for y’all, I’ve listed the TOP THREE THINGS MEN CAN START DOING in order to avoid the sh*tstorm of CRAZY from the women in your lives. And this includes ALL the women in your lives.

1. Never Tell Her What or How She Feels. EVER.  

I don’t care if she’s your friend, sister, wife, co-worker, daughter or mama! I don’t care if you KNOW you’re right. When she is sharing how…and what…she feels, just smile, affirm and nod. TRUST ME.

2. Show Up or Peace Out.

There is nothing that cultivates a lack of trust and respect in a man more than a man who’s in and out. Not only is this a perfect recipe for creating and triggering deep-seated abandonment issues and insecurity, but it’s also a classic f*ckboi tendency.

3. Underpromise and Overperform.

Don’t talk what you won’t walk, and start out how you can hold out. And this isn’t about delivering popcorn performances or sneak previews of what it could be if… You know, where you show up once in a blue moon, do something dazzling and then fall off the face of the Earth? Yeah. Dead that.

As a wise man once told me: 

A woman is like a thermostat; she will always reflect the temperature you set.

If you can commit to these 3 practices, life can be so much sweeter. Go get ’em tiger!

 

 

 

 

 

Bold Ass Questions for Boss Ass Women

Sistren, we’ve become far too sentimental about these matters of the heart. And before we know it, we’re in the ring of fidelity to someone who could give a hill of beans less about the deepest desires of our hearts; yet expects us to be their mother incarnate.

I’m joking.

Seriously though: if you could ask a guy ANYTHING without fear of what he’d think about you or how it may come off, if you had THREE questions that would capture the essence of what it takes to please you, what would they be? Share below, and I’ll share mine in an upcoming post. Until then, I’ve included a little dialogue clip to give you a few ideas. (Thank me later)



Her (Libby): Well, I do want to put all of that behind me…

Him (Lawyer Guy): So does your husband.

Her: EX …husband

Him: Well, that right there that’s a fresh start

Her: What is your position on marijuana?

Him: The firm represented Lamar, a marijuana activist based in Washington, so I say legalize the plant

Her: And…oral sex?

Him: (looks surprised and confused…hesitates…) hmm…legalize that too. I’m a HUGE proponent. Why are you asking?

Her: What about marriage?

Him: I’ve had 3 – each one more acrimonious than the last. I don’t plan to ever stand at the altar again.

Her: What about dinner?

Him: My favorite meal of the day.

Her: I mean, how would you like to take me to dinner?

Him: Yes, please.

 

 

PillowTalk: How To Beat the Game of Love

“Nobody wins in the game of love.”

This week I’m on a ROLL with some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned while playing the game of love. What is YOUR “win” in a relationship? What do you consider a “loss”? I delve into some of the most essential keys I’ve gathered in my experiences in intimate relationships. Enjoy, comment, share!

Cross-Sex Communication: 5 Words (or Less)

 


Once when I was in premarital counseling with a fool I was most certainly NOT going to marry, the minister shared a valuable tip:

“Seek first to understand before being understood.”

I took the advice, ditched the dude and kept it pushing.

I have taken the scenic route to understanding; after years of ego tripping and fighting to “be [acknowledged as] right,” I now know I have three choices:

I can be RIGHT

OR

I can be in relationship

OR

I can be, exceptionally brilliant, and both.

My idea of “right” now is a little different from having the last word or the last laugh; I feel I am “right” if I am authentic, respectful and clear. To me, that’s a bonafide WIN. So when my mentor gave me a bit of advice about how to facilitate successful workshops — and overall communications — with men, I took her advice and hit the ground running.

She said:

“When communicating with men, keep your responses to five words or less, or else you lose them.”

I played it cool, but behind my placid demeanor my inner cyclic-styled communicator was exclaiming, FIVE WORDS OR LESS?!!!

I took a deep breath in, let the breath out, rolled my shoulder blades down my back and thought to myself, Okay girl. Let’s get it!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am always up for the challenge of experimenting with human-to-human interactions, and this time was no different. Trust: I wouldn’t write this much about it if it didn’t work!


We can spend hours ‘pon hours trying to get a man to understand how we feel about such and such and thus and so (I’ve done it). OR we can try something different. It all boils down to this:

Do you just wanna air all your feelings? Or do you want to truly be heard and understood and honored?

Unfortunately, you can’t have both in all situations. If you chose the latter, then you must understand and accept something FIRST:

“Where words are many, men are absent.”

**Excepting the select few who can follow the train no matter how long the tracks.**

 


This week, I polled my sister circle to find the top three most challenging subjects/sentiments to communicate with men. Then, I customized a few phrases to get the conversation started IN FIVE WORDS OR LESS.

#1: Our Innermost Feelings (Related to His Actions)

Apparently, we find it very difficult to express what we’re feeling in light of some decision he has (or has not) made. Know this: men know more than they admit; you don’t have to be verbose.

SHORT ‘N SIMPLE: 

“That’s not cool.”

SWEETHEART:

“This seems _________ to me.”

STRAIGHT-SHOOTER: 

“________ isn’t working for me.”

Only enter ONE word in the blank. The key is a DIALOGUE not a rampage; an invitation not an invocation. We cannot change anyone, so let him SHOW you who he is.

#2: Commitment/Monogamy.

If I had a penny for every time a woman told me of her struggle to convey the importance of building and sustaining trust, commitment and forward movement in a relationship, I’d be a rich woman. Simply put, for this one, you must be prepared to take action if your words aren’t getting through.

SHORT ‘N SIMPLE:

“I’m ready to grow. You?”

SWEETHEART: 

“Babe, whatchu think about ________ .”

STRAIGHT-SHOOTER:

“Sh*t or get off the pot.”

*That was six words, but hey! It’s succinct enough!

#3: Sex.

And it ain’t all good! If he’s not satisfying you in the bedroom, you MUST let him know … like YESTERDAY! Egos be damned! Closed mouths don’t get fed and dissatisfied yonis find other beds, so get to expressing!

SHORT ‘N SIMPLE:

“Like this.”

… (Then, proceeds to demonstrate with guidance and affirm when he gets it right.)

SWEETHEART:

Let’s play a game.” 

This “game” is one which you call the shots, and he executes them to your satisfaction if he wants to get points.

STRAIGHT SHOOTER:

“I like __________ . Wanna see?”

Who can say no to that?


Before you go running off to drop your five-word-hitter-quitter on some unsuspecting male soul, check out these suggestions for increasing your chances of success.

Vent First.

TO SOMEONE ELSE … OR YOURSELF! Get all your emotions out in the open to a safe, objective sounding board. It’s wise not to speak at the peak of your emotions; but DO honor them through acknowledgment and expression in a space where they will be heard and honored.

Mean What You Say.

Whatever you do, don’t test him to “see what he’s going to say/do.” Seriously. Honor the relationship, your (and his) time and energy, and only express that which you truly mean to say. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Ask Yourself This Question Beforehand.

Is this better said or shown? Some of the most effective communication is unspoken. My mother always says, “Silence says a lot.” And it’s true. Sometimes silent action is just what you need to get your point across.

Define Success.

What is a “win” for you in this situation? My “win” is the ability to concisely and honestly express myself in five words or less without being too affected by his response. To remain detached, I create a back up plan I am prepared to implement should my words fall on deaf ears.


Feel free to share your 5 words or less below.