“The problem isn’t in growing up; it’s in forgetting.”
– “The Little Prince” (paraphrased)
Living soulfully always requires risk.
I began this journey to find my way back to living a life that’s lit from within…one that cuddles the intangible. I missed long easy laughs, sweet conversations, play dates on summer nights and writing poetry all evening to old hip hop tunes.
Back in the day, if I was interested in someone (which is rare for me), I walked right up to them and started a conversation. I didn’t wait and think about it; I didn’t poll my friends. I knew what I felt, and I acted.
I performed in shows because while it scared me shitless, it was also the most exhilarating experience I’ve ever known.
If I didn’t like something, I said so. When I was pissed, I showed it. I tagged buildings. I streaked in parking lots. I wiped friends’ tears and gave advice like, “Fuck ’em!”
And while that may not have been the apex of my evolution, it was my true. And I was me all the way.
But I changed…I was all “grown up” now.
And while I still had moments of soulful experiences, they trickled rather than flowed.
I got my heart hurt. Friendships I thought would last forever ended. My expectations of life didn’t match my experiences. I conceived children I never birthed, either by choice or chance. I blamed myself for terminated relationships. I judged my life on others’ scales.
My heart became fearful, and I began making safe decisions rather than soulful ones.
But (thank God) change is constant, and just as Anais Nin said:
“… the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
That day for me was 11 days ago. And now I can’t go back…
- to old unfulfilling friendships
- to fucking for free (more in a later post)
- to working JUST for money
- to subscribing to everyone else’s fear or faith philosophies
I’ve got to be in this world in my own way, and that’s all there is to it.