Day 32: Feel

“Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

– Fleetwood Mac “Landslide”

A few years ago, I began writing the story of me and my soul mate.

I could never commit to finishing it though, partly because the story isn’t over.

Partly because each time I returned to writing it, we’d be in one of our forced distances — fearful of feeling too much too soon, doubting the unspoken, worrying about messing it all up, looking down a road we were too scared to walk.

The emotion was too much for me in those times.

 

“Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” 

– my roommate

I am writing the story now, bit by bit. And when I publish it – another tale about the glory of being magnificently human – it will ripple.

We are not islands unto ourselves.

We are not without flaws and hiccups and the characteristic fuckedupedness of being human. We are not without the need for touch and conversation, partnership and closeness.

None of us.

We will never be cute, tidy and presentable for “the one.” 

Love has never meant sterility, clear endings, straight lines and always-kept promises.

It’s nature is paradoxical and mysterious, our nature is messy and desirous. And all of that just is…

I grieved for the loss of my hope for “us” tonight, saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Roommate: Nothing’s wrong…It just makes you human. That’s all.

I needed the reminder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

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