Day 39: Change

Disclaimer: This post is going to be long (longer-than-300-words-long). 

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for me. I woke up feeling so much hurt that I just couldn’t be present within myself.

A few days prior, I unintentionally unearthed the next layer for deep healing in a conversation with my sister. She asked me about getting together with my father, and I agreed to attend if she arranged it.

She asked if I wasn’t speaking to him, and I replied (more emphatically than intended),

“I’m so tired of chasing him when all he cares about is doing what’s comfortable for him!”

Immediately, I felt these words were – to a lesser degree – relatable to the relationship with my friend. And while these were simply my feelings about these two very special men in my life, they are my reality.

Soooo … yesterday, all those emotions were swimming around when I woke up and clicked the Whatsapp icon on my phone and … well … sonic-boomed all up in my friend’s phone.

I’m not proud of it; I am owning it.

While I was creating the messages, I felt that uneasy feeling I get when I should just wait and breathe for a moment, but I kept on going. My emotions needed a runway, and I let my mouth be that.

And as soon as I’d finished, I wished I hadn’t – not because I did anything “wrong” or said something that was untrue for me, but because it didn’t help anything heal: not within myself, not with my father, not with my friend.

I simply aired my hurt.

I SEE clearer now, and hope I remember for future reference:

“Whenever I get in my feelings I fall out of alignment with my wiser self.”

I heard Something Within whisper softly after I heard my friend’s reply, Do you feel better now?

I did not. I sobbed uncontrollably, off and on for a large part of the day (thank God I didn’t have to work).

And then Something Within said softly, Just…stop. Just stop.

And THAT was what I needed: presence, gentleness, understanding. I needed to be felt more than heard. I need to let God/Universe/The All just touch those hurt places. I needed to just BE with the All in Myself.

Many, if they knew the entire story, would say, “But you werent’ wrong!”

But healing, growth, relationship and reconciliation aren’t about “right” and “wrong.” It’s about willingness to see and listen, ask and wait, forgive and allow.

“Being ‘right’ never healed any hurt. Being ‘right’ never grows anybody up.”

This journey has been one of peeling back the layers, seeing, being with and accepting myself. THAT’S love to me. What seems to be the end (this 40-day journey) is actually only a beginning to the greatest work I’ll ever be called to do: learning to love and trust myself unconditionally.

I don’t say this as some feminist rhetoric in response to unrequited love; I say this as an awakened human who accepts responsibility to care for her own well being. I say this as one who SEES that ALL relationships are a mirror of how she treats herself.

It’s not about getting anyone else to change for me, (and it keeps coming back to this truth) it’s about seeing what’s being reflected on the outside, and growing accordingly within. EVERYTHING changes then. And that’s the only TRUE change that ever really needs to happen, in my opinion.

“Change isn’t something you receive. It’s something you DO.” – Something Within

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s