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PillowTalk: Risking Raw(ness)

Perhaps the biggest hindrance to being able to embody our wholeness is refusal to see, accept and share the truth of our (broken) pieces.

This week’s PillowTalk explores the bravest thing any of us can do in a relationship: share our hidden truths. Join me as I share my biggest fear in relationships, and publicly comb through what it means to love — and be loved.

P.S. That shuffling you hear in the background towards the end was me spotting a spider on my bedroom wall, and trying to keep my composure and concentration while recording! I had to get into a good position to watch that joker! LOL! Life is real. 

Lover’s Anonymous: Ugly Parts

I feel most loved when my ugly parts don’t push you away…when you touch my hand letting me know it’s okay to open my eyes because you haven’t left. You’re still there; you’re still loving me…maybe even a little more.

~nighttime thoughts

I know what popular psychology and new spiritual teachers say about self-love. I’ve read many of the books and regurgitated lots of the rhetoric. It sounds nice. And many contain elements of truth.

But I’ve lived.

And in living I’ve come to know through experience and engagement rather than removed theory based on clinical — or esoteric — observation and reflection.

Nothing is more intricate than the human heart.

What can we deduce about the importance of self-love to healthy relationships? 

We all know it’s essential. Nobody has ever argued that.

Still, there are many ways to reach the top of a mountain. Not everyone is an avid affirmer or can maintain lotus pose until the quiet comes.

Some find quiet in the arms of another. Some see beauty – and purpose – in the sloppy breakdowns and epic blow-ups.

And when we do … when our ugly parts come up to take a breath of air … we’d rather not be alone.

This is a sacred path too. 

Maybe the solo hero’s anthem so beloved of the Eurocentric West will never be ours to sing. But I am a dusky-colored woman of indigenous lines darker than fertile earth.

We’ve never been under the illusion of a self-made anybody. We’ve always known it takes a village. Period. 

Even GOD didn’t want to be alone in the great IS-ness of Her majesty! She wanted to see love reflected to her … maybe even needed it.

And even though that love isn’t perfect, the journey is more breathtaking than any conceived ideal.

So we f*ck it up, and make ripples.

Our choices are pebbles that break up the perfect reflections of how “they” say it should be.

Yet, this is what makes us brave:

We’ve been stung with disappointment, washed pus off the imperfections of our lovers, prayed beneath falling skies, second-guessed our faith, regretted future decisions and spent innumerable nights at rock bottom; yet, we are inspired to love.

Our ugly parts are a testament to who we are: miracles.

A miracle is an impossibility made manifest; it is evidence of undiscovered laws of Nature. And you just may be one.

The Art of Asking Empowering Questions

I’ve heard it said, “Life is only as good as your questions.”

And I, now, believe it to be true. We are so preoccupied and amused with the answers to questions, we forget that the one who asks the question is guiding the ship — the ones who answer are just on it.

So I’ve done y’all a solid (you’re welcome), and shared some of my favorite replacement questions to ask when the way gets a bit hard to see.

#1: INSTEAD OF…

     Why is this happening to me? 

Try:

     What’s FOR me in this situation? This could mean…

  • What’s happening right now that’s working in my favor?
  • What is here that is to catch my attention?
  • What can I take from this situation in order to be better?

#2: INSTEAD OF…

     When will I get better? 

Ask:

     How can I BE better (now)? Empower yourself by accepting responsibility for your decisions, your thoughts, and your actions (or INaction). How about just take responsibility for your full life?!

#3: INSTEAD OF …

     What am I gonna do?

Ask:

     What can I do right now? Sometimes the answer to this question is “noddadamn thing.” Make peace with it. Rest. The time for action will come, and you’ll need your energy.

#4: INSTEAD OF…

What’s next? 

Ask:

What’s NOW? What’s next is another NOW, ya dig? As one of my teachers says, “Wherever you are the time is ALWAYS now.” So just be here now, and be fully present. Presence is the best preparation. Trust me.

#5: INSTEAD OF…

    What was s/he thinking?!

Ask:

What am I feeling right now? Peace doesn’t come from deciphering, blaming or judging other folk. We don’t wake up in their bodies or their minds; we don’t live their lives. We wake up in our own minds. So…wake up IN YOUR OWN.

Have more great questions? Share below or share with me on Twitter @femmealchemista

 

Lover’s Anonymous: (R)evolutionary Relating (FOR LADIES ESPECIALLY)

Experience is the only true knowing. Becoming is the greatest revolution.”

~Asha Tane’

We’ve heard the “rules of love” a million times, especially women. And they KEEP changing. It seems the world specializes in telling us how to make our love (or ourselves) better, last longer and all other manners of fuckery. Actually, women’s insecurities net billions of dollars for industries worldwide.

According to the Global Cosmetic Surgery & Services Market Analysis 2015-2019, the cosmetic surgery industry is worth over $20 billion, with vertical growth on the horizon. The number one continent: North America. The number one service: body contouring and implants. This is to say nothing of what this does to fuel patriarchy.

I digress.

I’ve tired of the how to’s  and 10 ways to make it last-type write ups. I mean, if those things were successful, then we wouldn’t need so many of them, year after year, decade after decade. AND I’m sure the cosmetic surgery industry wouldn’t be booming. We’d be happier with ourselves and there’d be a bigger boom in producing real food…or something as equally essential. (Damn, I keep ending up on this soapbox…*steps down*)

The fact remains, times aren’t changing: we are. More specifically, our MINDS are changing. We simply don’t see ourselves, or our surrounding world, the same.

Maybe it’s the covert hypnosis of technology or our agreement to mimick video vixens in our everyday lives. Either way, something’s off. Substantial relationships have have gone the way of long attention spans and reading.

When it comes to relationships, it’s a “man’s market.” And most have become a squirrel just tryna get a … you know.


“A woke woman is a dangerous one.”

~Asha Tane’

Over the next few weeks, I’ll drop a few insights that aren’t so popular when it comes to relating. Why? Because they aren’t GLAMOROUS. They require vulnerability, falling back, releasing pretense and truth telling.

In short: they require you to do the inside work.

This is no mate ‘n bate, westernized Kama Sutra-type vodun. It’s real wisdom that can shift your whole life — if you are brave. I call this

(R)evolutionary Relating


Practice of the Week: Stop Complaining.

We are no mindless victims; we choose. More importantly, complaining to another party can be a form of manipulation, as well as the very outlet that keeps us feeding a misplaced hope that may need to die. (Check this out: “Keeping Hope Alive Can Kill You.”)

When we shut up, we show up.

We become accountable and responsible for ourselves, and our happiness. Try it for 7 days. Just see…

Until next week…

Love always, and in all ways

 

Lover’s Anonymous: A Woman’s Worth

“It’s hard to give something away for free, and then turn around and demand payment for it.”

~this dude

The first thing I wondered was: does this apply to pussy too?

Although this guy was speaking about the business of professional boxing, I couldn’t help but to apply it to relationships – and the pervasive tug-of-war between the sexes.

Specifically, I was thinking about the “plight” of many women I know who choose to love men.

After some time, I came to this:

What’s a woman’s (love) worth in a “man’s world?” Do we get to decide, or are we relegated to becoming discounted products in a man’s market? 


Worth (n.): the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.

In a “man’s world,” women are frequently initiated into one of two (faulty, in my opinion) principles when faced with undesirable circumstances: deal with it or issue an ultimatum. Neither works in my experience because empowerment comes from CHOICE – not manipulation or tolerating what you cannot accept.

What we all desire is our birthright: the freedom to be truthfully and choose freely. 

I sat with the idea until I came to this liberating epiphany: power is wherever we believe it is. And those with power assign value to those who’ve relinquished their power.

It was then I saw that my initial question was premised on disempowered thinking.


 

There’s an African Proverb that says:

“Until the lion speaks, the tale will always glorify the hunter.”

And so I changed the question entirely:

What’s our (love) worth? What kind of world will we choose to create?

My (love) is worth my voice. My truth. My presence. Expression. I’m worth fresh water, belly laughter and love-infused intimate rendezvous with my partner melting into sweat and morning, pillow confessions and sprinkles of eyelid kisses. By being in my truth and my love, I am powerful, and I help create a world better than the one I came into.

Woman, what’s your (love) worth? 


He offered me diamonds and rubies too. I gave them back, and said, “I just want you.”

~ Asha Tane

Proper.

There was nothing proper about her — she stared too long, never wore bras and laughed at others’ mishaps, if it so struck her fancy. She was ill-trained in the way of apology, and she sauntered everywhere she went, even funerals and dinner parties, where everyone was coupled except her.

Her behavior had no exceptions. She had no version of herself, and this was her greatest sin. Nobody could claim her – neither as mother nor child, friend nor foe, neither wife nor lover. She was her own. Of course, she was acquainted with many, and maybe known by a few, but she never connected in that way that keeps women frightened into being well-behaved and so-called “responsible.” 

No, she responded only to an inner voice that others either didn’t hear, or didn’t trust (if they did hear it). And this made her a threat. Her center was pleasure, and her delight was mutable. Eyes burning with curiosity, people often felt she judged them. More than likely it was amusement – an amusement with the pervasive game of charades that initiated everyone else into the world of propriety — a game she herself never cared for, and refused to play.

TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2017. All Rights Reserved. Asha Tane.

Goddess Nike

You can spend your whole life trying to figure it out without actually taking the chance to do it. But there is no “right time.” Instead, I’ve given you NOW. What will you do with it?

 ~Life

Today I found myself standing at my door with a grocery bag and a 24-pack of bottled water. As I stood at the door of my abode, I fumbled with keys while still trying to hold onto the case of water. I don’t know why, but something said, “Turn the knob.”

I did.

It opened.

I got it.


Too often we allow our unanswered how to postpone our doing the what.

But the hows are all figured out for our chosen way — when it’s for you, it’s for you. There is no promise of comfort. There is no guarantee of certainty. But there will be an indescribable, deep soul satisfaction that rises from within when we give our sacred YES to our unanswered questions.

If you keep asking questions about it, you are probably being called TO it.


I believe that Life begins to live through us the moment we allow ourselves to be moved beyond explanations. The moment we see the Mystery and take the leap anyway, echoing our Yes…Yes…Yes…breathing deeply…feeling totally…believing beyond proof…we enter a whole new world that our minds analyses and forward projections could have NEVER perceived because some things just have to be EXPERIENCED to be understood.


Whatever your it is: JUST DO IT. You won’t know the answer to how or why until you live into it.

change

it’s the only constant there is…so, go ahead. change your mind. change your job. change your habits. change directions. allow the fluctuations to ripple through you without feeling the need to do anything at all. and when the dust settles, rest in your new location, for you may have moved without taking a step. you may have been moved without any external sign. remember, you owe permanence to no one; you can expect permanence from no thing.

Nature is always true to her ways…and not one thing within her being is exempt.

~nighttime thoughts