PillowTalk: How To Beat the Game of Love

“Nobody wins in the game of love.”

This week I’m on a ROLL with some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned while playing the game of love. What is YOUR “win” in a relationship? What do you consider a “loss”? I delve into some of the most essential keys I’ve gathered in my experiences in intimate relationships. Enjoy, comment, share!

Lover’s Anonymous: Epic Fail

Epic (adj.): grand in scale or character

Fail (n.): a grade not high enough to pass (an examination or test) OR (v.): to be unsuccessful in achieving (one’s goal)*

It doesn’t have to last forever to be beautiful. ~my mama

In fact, nothing does – last forever, that is. And so, if we are to gauge success by permanency and constancy, well then, life becomes the grandest of all “epic fails.”

And still, I sometimes find myself wondering if the ended (or altered) friendships, departed lovers and incomplete connections were due to some kind of inherent fault on my end.

But I know better, even if I don’t always feel what I know. And you do too, somewhere underneath layers of thoughts that run amok.

So here is a gift from me to you…with no explanation or proof…they are my offerings to you: 5 things I’ve determined from my own relational epic failures.

  1. Success is based on authenticity and responsibility, not lasting forever. It is not my job to “make it last,” but rather to be myself truly and fully, accepting the responsibility for whatever comes next, and shifting with integrity. This is my relational success.
  2. Let go quickly. Sometimes it feels impossible, but I’ve purposed within to QUICKLY release those with whom I am no longer relating. Neither of us is missing anything; we don’t owe it to anyone to grieve a parting. As Zora Neale writes, “…the mourning shouldn’t last a day longer than the grief.” And as Paulo Coelho says, “I give myself 3 days to grieve; after which, I politely ask sadness to go away.”
  3. Everything happens in cycles. Life keeps moving with or without me dragging my past along, and wearing it like a scarlet letter. More than likely, if there is something to be resolved or clarified, it will be without my pining, excessive deliberations or efforts – one way or another. Now, I trust Life.
  4. It’s not what I think. Literally. It just is. What’s going through my head is probably the FURTHEST away from the whole truth of the situation, even if I have concrete facts. The WHOLE truth is that the observable facts aren’t the only facts of the situation, AND facts in themselves don’t comprise any entire experience.
  5. Feel my feelings. I’ve experienced more internal reward from feeling my feelings without needing to place blame or shame than I ever have by “being right” or understood. Proving points yields no peace. All that ever matters is what my feelings are showing me about me right now.
  6. One day, it all makes sense. And this isn’t always an intellectual “sense.” But there has come a time, in EVERY ending, where I can feel the divineness of it all – no matter how difficult it was initially. And that makes me trust endings, and their associated feelings, from the beginning.
  7. Regretting endings is a waste of time. See number 6. 
  8. Connection does not mean contact. Just because I’m no longer in contact with someone does not mean we are no longer connected. Those who have cycled back into my intimacy have proven this time and again – there are synchronicities that are undeniably a result of something we don’t fully understand, although we’ve experienced it.
  9. What now? This is the only question that ever truly matters.

It’s not about never feeling an unpleasant sensation or being together forever, it’s about everything we’re experiencing: being, feeling, thinking, releasing, connecting, integrating…it’s about the WHOLE of it, not just what we can hold of it. We don’t own people or experiences: we are gifted them for a time.

And this is as it ought be.

Sometimes the greatest success is to “fail” epicly.

(You gotta do some living to give me an “Amen” on that one!)

An Ode to Endings (in the Circle of Life)

Had I known it was over, I would have cried too.

Allowed my shadows to pour til clear – for it to be known that I am flawed. Like you. Had I known that the delicacy of humanity was unwelcome in the sanctum between, I’dve dipped myself in alabaster – become one of those imperfect goddesses you worship (because their imperfection is contained in myth alone). Had I seen the sword poised so precisely over the fullness of my Truth, I would have never bowed my head to pray for forgiveness, but would have lain supine, and looked my judge in the eye.

Perhaps, my lip would have quivered as the metal gleamed in flight. Is Death truly a baptism to warriors of light?

©2016 Asha T’nae. All Rights Reserved.

Burning Love

Love can be a purifying fire – burning off all that is untrue: image…facade…all of our little white lies of comfort….disintegrating what is unneeded: skin…hair…muscle…mindless chatter. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t Hollywood. It is Holiness, exemplified. If you listen keenly, you can hear the screams of those who have yet to surrender to Its flames. But those who have bear Its undeniable mark, and they are never again the same.